Ha how depressing does that title sound? I mean my life isn't some giant sob story (even though sometimes I make it sound like that). Things are going pretty well right now, actually. I just landed two more jobs (so now I have four in total), I'm in charge of two clubs, I take six classes (yeah that part kind of sucks...), and I just decided I want to start a nonprofit organization next year after I graduate so I've been working on that. So, as usual, I have a fuckton of stuff going on right now. It's all good though, I'll manage everything as usual. I live for busy schedules and planning. I'm a weirdo.
But, of course, the shit that I'm concerned with always comes back to my family. I feel like that's most people's issue--stupid family. Gotta love them I guess.
Okay, so I have a big brother, right? He's five years older than me and he's 1,000% my absolute best friend. I literally tell my brother everything. That night I got wasted and had to be taken care of? He knows. That night abroad when I hooked up with a random guy I had just met? Not only does he know, but I showed him pictures of the guy because he's so handsome. Having a fight with my parents about how stupid my brother is? Yeah, I call him about those things, too. I'm pretty much an open book with everything, so poor him for having to deal with all the things I'm sure he could care less to hear about.
The thing with my brother though, is he has a really really addictive personality. I mean like to all sorts of bad things. Started smoking cigarettes when he was like 11 or something like that. Weed when he was 14. He got expelled from high school for smoking weed on school grounds. He's always been a mess and I've always felt like the older sibling. Also, the legal system has been a part of my life since my brother was 14 years old (I think that's when it started anyways), and I was 9. That's when my brother got arrested for smoking weed. He's been on probation (for different things) consistently since he was 14 years old. He's 25 now. I can't remember a time my brother was off of probation, and I can't imagine how he lives like that. The summer before I came to college, he was supposed to be off of probation in October--just in time for his birthday. We were gonna throw him a keg party we were so excited. Just kidding, he got into a drunk driving accident and got arrested for that. We ended up proving that he wasn't the one driving (he was so drunk he didn't even know), but he ended up doing jail time for it anyways. My brother spent his 21st birthday in rehab, and his 25th birthday in jail. He's a mess to say the least.
He has a serious alcohol problem. Nobody likes when he's wasted, but he gets drunk all the time anyways. He's told me some real fucked up stories about times he's been drunk. I'm glad I never had to see him like that when I was younger. After he went to jail last year, he told me he would quit drinking because he knows it's no good for him. He just got out of jail in November, and he drinks like a fish. He drunk calls me almost every weekend. I always make sure to answer because I'd rather deal with his annoying drunk ass on the phone because I know he's at least kind of staying out of trouble if he's on the phone talking to me.
He's been really good about not doing drugs since he got out of jail, though. But, the Friday before my spring break he drunk called me and told me he not only smoked a bowl, but did heroin. He couldn't remember doing the drugs though because he was so wasted. His friends told him the next day. How he passed his drug test for his probation officer is way beyond me. I told him it was fucked up for him to do drugs and he said "I can do all the heroin I want because it's out of my system in two days, it's weed I can't do". This is honestly my brother's thought process, and it's so fucked up. I sobbed and yelled at him. The next day, he couldn't remember that he had this conversation with me the night before.
He's just such a mess. I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to save him. He's such a stubborn and strong willed person, and I wish he would use that in a more constructive way. All my family ever talks about in regards to him is that he's going to go back to jail--and probably soon. (yeah the rest of my family is pretty fucked up too, but we don't have to get into that). I guess I just want to know where the big brother that I looked up to so much went. He used to be my hero. and slowly but surely that has gone away, and I hate it. I hate thinking of him differently. Even through all the shit he put me through when we were younger, I always looked up to him so much--who knows why. Now, I just see this guy who is so down on himself and doesn't know what to do so he drinks the pain away. He has taken on the assumption that he will go back to jail soon, so why not go down with a bang. I guess, at the very least, he's consistent.
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