Siempre Estoy Viviendo la Vida

"I'm always living the life"

Officially landed an internship in Madrid, Spain for this upcoming semester! :) I'm so so so excited about this! Last semester, I studied abroad in Barcelona, Spain, and ABSOLUTELY fell in love with it (the people, the culture, the language--catalan AND spanish, the food) and I applied for a few internships in Barcelona, but Madrid is what I heard from first and they want an answer by Friday if I'm going to be accepting or declining.

I visited Madrid while I was studying in Barcelona and think it's an absolutely beautiful city. I think the reason I'm still so gun-ho on Barcelona is the fact that I already lived there. I already know the parks I like to go to, or the markets I like to visit, where all my favorite bars are, which people I'd like to see again there (my host mom, hott guy who performs at my favorite bar, etc) and that gave me a LOT of confidence that I could absolutely do another semester in Barca and would still be the happiest little camper you ever saw.

With Madrid, though, I have the same nerves/fears that I did before going on my first study abroad (maybe a little different...I won't be texting 7 people the night before I leave saying I can't go because I don't know Spanish this time). What if Madrid just isn't as good as Barca (they must be rivals for a reason right!?). Or what if I get really homesick and want to come home halfway through??

I think I'll end up accepting the Madrid internship, but I definitely have some fears.

BUT it's also always good to experience new things!!

How many other students got to study in TWO different Spanish cities during their undergraduate experience at my school? I'll answer that. None. Because we're only allowed to go to Madrid to study--I was just a special case and got lucky enough to go to Barcelona.

Needless to say, I have some concerns with Madrid, BUT it also has some positives. It has a lot more grass than Barcelona, fall time will actually FEEL like fall time, and I love the club Kapital (seven floors with different music on each one?! how could you NOT love it??). I know I'll have the time of my life wherever I go, and, of course, I can always visit Barcelona from Madrid (it's only two hours on the fast train).

Either way, I'm just so excited to be able to go back to Europe.

Ready for my next European adventure already :)

Rape Culture

Okay, so I recently got into an argument on Facebook about rape culture. A family friend posted a picture showing a study where high schoolers were asked when rape was acceptable, none of the answers were "never" which is disgusting for SO many reasons.

Anyway, one guy brought up that he was upset because one of the answers was "when she said she would, but changes her mind" because "guys need release" or some bullshit like that. And obviously I went off and argued and all that jazz.

So I was telling this to a friend on the car ride to dinner and I said how I don't care if a guy and girl are in the middle of having sex, if one partner decides "no, I don't want this anymore", it's done. Right then. Over. No exceptions.

So, my friend goes "I understand that and I agree, but I also know that I can never get a guy to understand that so there's really no point. People get too upset about things".

What.

Seriously.

What.

THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT. THAT WE THINK IT'S NOT WORK ARGUING BECAUSE WE THINK THAT PEOPLE WON'T CHANGE.

We need to bring this point up OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN and I don't give a single fuck if people are sick of hearing it. I REFUSE to drop this topic until something changes.

Feminism: the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men

Ladies and gentlemen, feminism is NOT trying to make women more powerful than men, it is simply the fight for women to be equal to men.

To my ladies, if these issues don't make you angry, you're probably not educated enough on them.

One of the Many Secrets to Staying Happy

Eliminate toxic people from your life.

And I don't just mean that one guy/girl that's mean to you. I mean anybody who no longer encourages you to grow as a person or cares to see your happiness.

For me, it was a lot of my cousins (at least on the older side). I have 13 cousins on my moms side ranging from ages 28-4. There are five cousins in the older ranges (28-19), and I have eliminated four of them from my life.

It's not easy, and I understand why people don't want to do it. Putting in actual effort to have no contact with your own family sounds ridiculous, but it's a necessity that has to be done sometimes.

I decided one day that I have no room in my life for toxic people. I have a very clear mission in my life and that is to be happy and to spread happiness. If I can't be happy with myself, how on earth will I be able to spread happiness? I put in a lot of effort to be close with my cousins--I always wanted to fit in with them. But they're just not nice people. I tried to express how they had hurt my feelings (in a conversation that I told my mom verbatim, so I know I didn't say anything awful because if I did there's no way in hell I'd share with my mother) and all I got was responses such as:

"You're fucking ridiculous"
"I don't care if your feelings are hurt, I don't know who you think you are that you can talk to me like that"
"Your mouth is fucking unbelievable" (My favorite since I didn't swear once)
"You're so selfish"
"You're so stubborn, I don't know who you think you are that you can talk to me like this and not see that you're being ridiculous. You don't listen to anything I have to say, you're so goddamn stubborn"

Etc. Etc.

Point being, I tried to express my hurt feelings very clearly and in a manner that would cause the least damage, and they were unwilling to hear anything I had to hear. I decided at that point, that I was done. I would no longer make an attempt to foster a relationship that was in no way beneficial to me. That sounds selfish--and it is. That's the point.

We all need to be selfish sometimes in our lives. There is not a single thing wrong with it. It's unfortunate that the word has such a negative connotation to it, because it really is a necessity of life. If I am not selfish enough to take care of myself, I am of NO use to other people in my life.

So be selfish.

Eliminate toxic people.

Be happy.

Spread your happiness.

Let's continue to work on making a happier world. It's worth it, promise.

Honesty Hour!

Just kidding, more like honesty all the time. Everyone always says they're sick of people who are "fake", but I think it's more than that. I'm sick of people who can't sit down like adults and express why they're upset. Oh, I sarcastically called you a bitch and you were actually upset by it? How about instead of telling everyone and their mother that you're upset, you just kindly let me know and I'll make sure not to do it again.

I won't yell at you.

I won't bitch about you.

I might not understand since my sense of humor is different, but that does NOT mean I won't respect you.

I don't think this is a difficult thing to understand.

Also, to clarify, I made this scenario up, I'm not bitching about specific people right now, but things like this have definitely happened in the past.

I think it's about time we all grew the fuck up and learned how to talk to each other. I don't think it should be that big of a deal. and DO NOT text me to tell me you're upset. If you can't grow up enough to sit down and talk to me, you're probably not even old enough to have a phone.

Also, if we've recently had some sort of fight/argument and haven't made up yet, please DO NOT just go around pretending like everything is okay and nothing happened. This honestly pisses me off way fucking more than if you were gonna be an asshole to me the entire time I was near you. Or we could just sit down and both admit we both fucked up.

We all need to start learning how to tell it like it is. I'm so sick of the "does this look bad on me?" "NO GIRL! YOU LOOK GREAT!!". No. If I look like a fucking whale, please tell me. I'd rather it be JUST YOU who knows rather than everyone at the fucking party we're going to (I say the party because that's the only place I'd dress decent enough to have to ask someone's opinion of what I'm wearing. No shame in my lazy game). Point being, tell me if I fucking look gross.

My best friend will tell me exactly how it is. If I'm being a bitch, I fucking know it. If my outfit looks bad, I knew before it was even on my fucking body. And is it annoying sometimes? Yeah, but not because of her. I 1,000% appreciate the honesty because I know if she's saying I look good I ACTUALLY look good and don't have to play some sort of fucking guessing game. (It's just annoying when I can't find anything to wear. Or when she tells me I'm being a bitch and I think she's being a bitch and we have to not talk for like 5 minutes so that we can deal with one another again. It's a great system though). But have I ever ACTUALLY gotten mad at her for telling me the truth? Not that I can think of!! (Footnote: don't fucking tell me like 3 months later. This actually happened to me once where I had a friend say something along the lines of "Oh, yeah...remember how you wore your hair that one time like 3 months ago? Yeah it looked awful and me and so and so talked about it and agreed...just fucking tell me that day dude!! I woulda put that shit up!!).

Anyways, a message to not just my fellow ladies, but to everyone, BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER

So, I'm Trying This New Thing

Where I try to be accepting of people. That sounds weird because I'm probably the LEAST judgmental person you'll ever meet...unless it comes to someone I'm potentially interested in. He better have his shit together...always. That's the problem. We could talk for a while about all my stupid ex boyfriends...but we can just leave it at the fact that they're all pretty stupid (which makes me stupid for continuously choosing them) so I get wicked afraid of being with someone that awful again.

I spent two and a half years of my life in the most emotionally/sometimes sexually abusive relationship.

I had no idea how to leave and I'm terrified of that again.

So, instead of getting back out there and trying again, I find one little thing wrong with a guy and then I'm out. As you may recall from my earlier post, I hooked up with that guy from my friend's school. Well, for some crazy reason he's still been talking to me even though I was a scene. Most people would be like oh gosh he's such a nice person! My first thought is that there must be something wrong with him.

Then I find out he's only had one girlfriend and that's the only other person he's ever slept with (oh god I corrupted him...sorry!) and my second thought is "He's 22 and has only had one girlfriend...there must be something wrong with him"

WHICH IS SO FUCKED UP

Some people just don't date a lot. Or sleep around a lot. And that's TOTALLY cool. And I totally accept that in everyone...except I might be interested in him so clearly this is a sign he has some problems.

See where my problem is? It's the dumbest way of thinking about things.

So, I'm trying this thing where I don't let little things like that freak me out. Because, honestly, I probably would have rather been single my whole life instead of dealing with some of the shit I had to deal with. I got my innocence taken away much younger than I ever wanted. I wasn't ready for a lot of the things I did...but I did them anyways. I think it's really precious that he still clearly has some of his innocence.

So I'm trying to hold on to the feeling of "it's precious" rather than "oh god he clearly has problems"

We'll see how this goes...

"I'm Not Racist...I Don't See Color"

Stop.

That's such a bullshit line.

Unless you're legitimately colorblind, I hope you can see color! My best friend is black. I am just as aware of the fact that she is black as I am the fact that I am white. I am a white human being. She is a black human being. I notice Asian human beings and I also notice Indian human beings. I notice all skin colors and types and all of that.

The difference is I do not discriminate against people for these things.

Why would I deny the fact that my best friend is black? It's not like she doesn't know she is. Me stating a fact about it isn't going to come as some shock to her.

Okay, I'll admit, I did forget once that she was black when I was in dire need of cover up but that was an emergency. I also remembered two seconds later when she started laughing at me for asking.

But that's the thing, we all notice peoples' colors...AND THAT'S OKAY. It's okay to be aware of the color of somebody's skin. The problem is when you have prejudice or discrimination towards that person for such things.

So let's cut the bullshit. I know you're black. You know I'm white. We both see it.

Let's just start accepting each other and stop focusing so much on sounding so advanced and so accepting by saying these things.

If you're ACTUALLY an accepting human, people will know. Trust me.

Moral of the story: just BE accepting. Stop trying to state how accepting you are.

Let's Talk About the "Friend Zone"

We've all heard about it before. It's that place that guys go because...I don't know...you might possibly just want to be friends with them?

I just want to take a second to say that I am SO SICK of guys complaining about the friend zone.

Two reasons why there's an issue with this:

1. Being nice to me does not give you any sort of "right" to my body
2. If you're only nice to me to get in my pants, you're not really a nice guy

If you think that being nice to me is all you have to do and that you're therefore entitled to some part of me (most likely my vagina), you're a piece of shit.

Let me explain why.

When a HUMAN IN GENERAL...boy, girl, or whatever they prefer to identify with...I appreciate it SO MUCH. Like, trust me, that shit does NOT go unnoticed. I will tell everyone and their mother about this kind human and how great they are as a person. BUT THAT'S THE THING. YOU SHOULD BE NICE TO BE A NICE HUMAN. NOT TO GET IN MY PANTS. If you're being nice to me to get some sort of benefit, you need to seriously reevaluate your life, and I hope you're single for a long ass time.

Second, If you're nice to me solely to get in my pants and the second you realize we're just friends you start being mean to me, you're not a nice human at all.

I'm a big fan of "fake it till you make it", but not in this case. You can't fake being a kind person.

Let me reiterate,

YOU. CANNOT. FAKE. KINDNESS.

You should also feel blessed to be my friend. I'm fucking awesome. Friendzone is the place to be, in my opinion. But that's slightly besides the point.

Point being, if you're only nice to me to get something, then decide to be a prick when we end up just being friends, you're a piece of shit.