So, I'm Trying This New Thing

Where I try to be accepting of people. That sounds weird because I'm probably the LEAST judgmental person you'll ever meet...unless it comes to someone I'm potentially interested in. He better have his shit together...always. That's the problem. We could talk for a while about all my stupid ex boyfriends...but we can just leave it at the fact that they're all pretty stupid (which makes me stupid for continuously choosing them) so I get wicked afraid of being with someone that awful again.

I spent two and a half years of my life in the most emotionally/sometimes sexually abusive relationship.

I had no idea how to leave and I'm terrified of that again.

So, instead of getting back out there and trying again, I find one little thing wrong with a guy and then I'm out. As you may recall from my earlier post, I hooked up with that guy from my friend's school. Well, for some crazy reason he's still been talking to me even though I was a scene. Most people would be like oh gosh he's such a nice person! My first thought is that there must be something wrong with him.

Then I find out he's only had one girlfriend and that's the only other person he's ever slept with (oh god I corrupted him...sorry!) and my second thought is "He's 22 and has only had one girlfriend...there must be something wrong with him"

WHICH IS SO FUCKED UP

Some people just don't date a lot. Or sleep around a lot. And that's TOTALLY cool. And I totally accept that in everyone...except I might be interested in him so clearly this is a sign he has some problems.

See where my problem is? It's the dumbest way of thinking about things.

So, I'm trying this thing where I don't let little things like that freak me out. Because, honestly, I probably would have rather been single my whole life instead of dealing with some of the shit I had to deal with. I got my innocence taken away much younger than I ever wanted. I wasn't ready for a lot of the things I did...but I did them anyways. I think it's really precious that he still clearly has some of his innocence.

So I'm trying to hold on to the feeling of "it's precious" rather than "oh god he clearly has problems"

We'll see how this goes...