Haha I swear I get into the dumbest situations and literally the only thing that I can do about it is laugh. My life is a joke. Not in a depressing way--my life is just genuinely hilarious. I decided a long time ago that I don't care what situation I get into (Aside from like being robbed at gunpoint or raped or things of those sorts of serious matters) as long as a good story comes out of it.
Ask my best friend. We've done the DUMBEST shit, but at least we can always laugh about it.
So, boy, do I have a story from this past weekend. I went to visit my friend at a different school this Saturday and this guy that I've talked to for the past few weeks also goes there. We haven't actually met yet, but I'm discovering I'm all about the stranger danger (oops I suck...sorry mom).
So anyways, I'm in my friends room and we're getting ready to go out and drinking with her roommates and all that jazz. And the boy obviously invited us over to drink and hang out with his roommates. We drank some more in her room with people, went to a different room and hung out with random people, and then finally headed over to this guy's place. By this point I had had like...4 mixed drinks? Pretty usual for me (I swear I'm not an alcoholic...). I also had a beer while I was there while we played Kings.
Then I blacked out for the first time ever in my life. Solid.
Found out I got sick and I cried.
I'm the most embarrassing human I have ever met in my entire life. Glad I know how to make a first impression on people right?
Anyways, I ended up coming back and I remember stuff from maybe like 3 am onwards. Ended up staying at this guys place (WHY ON EARTH DID HE LET ME STAY?! WHY DOESN'T HE HATE ME?!) and we hooked up (ha that's why). I guess we went to bed around 6 am. No idea what possessed me to stay up that late (oh right...we hooked up).
So for SOME REASON he wakes up at EIGHT THIRTY and is just ready to live his life. Like...what? So at this point he filled me in on what a scene I was the night before. And what can I do other than apologize and then tell him there's absolutely no way I'm waking up right now and that I was going back to sleep. I'm an asshole sometimes.
So anyways, I'm pretty convinced this boy is a saint now because I don't know of a single soul who would meet a girl for the first time and take care of her while she was blackout, puking, and crying, and then not be weird about it the next day. BECAUSE HE WAS SO NICE THE NEXT DAY. Offered to make me breakfast and everything (there was no way I was eating with the hangover I had...).
So I slept until about 12. Then we watched family guy and then I left around 1. AND GET THIS...HE'S STILL TALKING TO ME. Like...WHAT?!
So moral of the story to my fellow embarrassing ladies. First, whenever you do something embarrassing, remember it's probably not as bad as the night I had so you're in the clear. and Second, no matter what you may think about boys (or people in general), they can really surprise you sometimes.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Friday, March 28, 2014
So Many Dreams, Not Enough Time
So, as I briefly mentioned in my previous post, I love having a full schedule. I love planning. I love feeling productive and knowing I'm doing effective in the world. So, naturally going along with that, I always have to plan new things in my life and I get all sorts of crazy ideas.
My most recent one? I'm going to start a nonprofit (aka I'm going to be poor forever). I've said for years that I would LOVE to live my life volunteering and traveling, so the other day in my Research Methods class, I decided "why not?" there's absolutely NO reason why I couldn't.
So, naturally I told my best friend about my plan and, as expected, she told me she fully supports my plans (she gets texts/messages like this all the time so she's pretty accustomed to it now), and that she'd love to help. What a great reaction right?! So, clearly instead of studying for my big exam or preparing my presentation, I obviously needed to spend the entire day planning out my nonprofit and everything about it. I blew up my best friend's Facebook all day with new ideas. So here's how it goes:
I want it to be called Sunny Days and our target group will be young adults ages 13-18 and we want to teach them how to maintain happiness in their lives through teaching them how to have a positive relationship with themselves through self love, self acceptance, and self empowerment.
I think that the best/most effective way to run this nonprofit would to be to set it up as a sort of group that meets once or twice a week for maybe 13 weeks (I came up with this idea on Monday, so all of my details are not planned out yet). Groups will be split up by age (13-15 and then 16-18) as well as gender so that we can discuss what we believe to be the most relevant topics in the adolescents lives as well as making sure that all participants feel comfortable with their group. Each week, we will talk about a specific topic. Starting with what I believe to be the most important, self love.
This idea is something I'm REALLY passionate about. I used to be very down on myself, and I was absolutely my own worst enemy. I had the worst worst worst negative self talk. It was awful, but for some reason, this is how I lived my life. One day, I realized how awful this was for my mental health. I used to beat myself up. I went to the gym 5 hours a day so I wouldn't be fat, I yelled at myself, I was just awful. I decided that I needed change. I stopped going to the gym almost all together. I made myself put on weight because what is there to be afraid about? I've gained 20 pounds since then. It's been a little over a year now and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I have no words for all the tears that I shed hating myself. But, a little over a year later, I love myself. I'm not afraid to say it anymore. I love my body, I love myself, and I accept myself. I've finally realized that I'm enough. And I don't have to just say it anymore, I really feel these things.
It breaks my heart how difficult it is in this society to love ourselves. It should be the number one thing we all know how to do, but instead we just tear ourselves down and pride ourselves on that. Who's life is worse?? It's awful. And I would love nothing more than to spend my life changing this thought process and teaching people it's not just okay to love ourselves, but that we SHOULD love ourselves.
Your relationship with yourself is the most important in your life.
You are enough.
Accept yourself.
Love yourself.
My most recent one? I'm going to start a nonprofit (aka I'm going to be poor forever). I've said for years that I would LOVE to live my life volunteering and traveling, so the other day in my Research Methods class, I decided "why not?" there's absolutely NO reason why I couldn't.
So, naturally I told my best friend about my plan and, as expected, she told me she fully supports my plans (she gets texts/messages like this all the time so she's pretty accustomed to it now), and that she'd love to help. What a great reaction right?! So, clearly instead of studying for my big exam or preparing my presentation, I obviously needed to spend the entire day planning out my nonprofit and everything about it. I blew up my best friend's Facebook all day with new ideas. So here's how it goes:
I want it to be called Sunny Days and our target group will be young adults ages 13-18 and we want to teach them how to maintain happiness in their lives through teaching them how to have a positive relationship with themselves through self love, self acceptance, and self empowerment.
I think that the best/most effective way to run this nonprofit would to be to set it up as a sort of group that meets once or twice a week for maybe 13 weeks (I came up with this idea on Monday, so all of my details are not planned out yet). Groups will be split up by age (13-15 and then 16-18) as well as gender so that we can discuss what we believe to be the most relevant topics in the adolescents lives as well as making sure that all participants feel comfortable with their group. Each week, we will talk about a specific topic. Starting with what I believe to be the most important, self love.
This idea is something I'm REALLY passionate about. I used to be very down on myself, and I was absolutely my own worst enemy. I had the worst worst worst negative self talk. It was awful, but for some reason, this is how I lived my life. One day, I realized how awful this was for my mental health. I used to beat myself up. I went to the gym 5 hours a day so I wouldn't be fat, I yelled at myself, I was just awful. I decided that I needed change. I stopped going to the gym almost all together. I made myself put on weight because what is there to be afraid about? I've gained 20 pounds since then. It's been a little over a year now and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I have no words for all the tears that I shed hating myself. But, a little over a year later, I love myself. I'm not afraid to say it anymore. I love my body, I love myself, and I accept myself. I've finally realized that I'm enough. And I don't have to just say it anymore, I really feel these things.
It breaks my heart how difficult it is in this society to love ourselves. It should be the number one thing we all know how to do, but instead we just tear ourselves down and pride ourselves on that. Who's life is worse?? It's awful. And I would love nothing more than to spend my life changing this thought process and teaching people it's not just okay to love ourselves, but that we SHOULD love ourselves.
Your relationship with yourself is the most important in your life.
You are enough.
Accept yourself.
Love yourself.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Family Family and more Family
Ha how depressing does that title sound? I mean my life isn't some giant sob story (even though sometimes I make it sound like that). Things are going pretty well right now, actually. I just landed two more jobs (so now I have four in total), I'm in charge of two clubs, I take six classes (yeah that part kind of sucks...), and I just decided I want to start a nonprofit organization next year after I graduate so I've been working on that. So, as usual, I have a fuckton of stuff going on right now. It's all good though, I'll manage everything as usual. I live for busy schedules and planning. I'm a weirdo.
But, of course, the shit that I'm concerned with always comes back to my family. I feel like that's most people's issue--stupid family. Gotta love them I guess.
Okay, so I have a big brother, right? He's five years older than me and he's 1,000% my absolute best friend. I literally tell my brother everything. That night I got wasted and had to be taken care of? He knows. That night abroad when I hooked up with a random guy I had just met? Not only does he know, but I showed him pictures of the guy because he's so handsome. Having a fight with my parents about how stupid my brother is? Yeah, I call him about those things, too. I'm pretty much an open book with everything, so poor him for having to deal with all the things I'm sure he could care less to hear about.
The thing with my brother though, is he has a really really addictive personality. I mean like to all sorts of bad things. Started smoking cigarettes when he was like 11 or something like that. Weed when he was 14. He got expelled from high school for smoking weed on school grounds. He's always been a mess and I've always felt like the older sibling. Also, the legal system has been a part of my life since my brother was 14 years old (I think that's when it started anyways), and I was 9. That's when my brother got arrested for smoking weed. He's been on probation (for different things) consistently since he was 14 years old. He's 25 now. I can't remember a time my brother was off of probation, and I can't imagine how he lives like that. The summer before I came to college, he was supposed to be off of probation in October--just in time for his birthday. We were gonna throw him a keg party we were so excited. Just kidding, he got into a drunk driving accident and got arrested for that. We ended up proving that he wasn't the one driving (he was so drunk he didn't even know), but he ended up doing jail time for it anyways. My brother spent his 21st birthday in rehab, and his 25th birthday in jail. He's a mess to say the least.
He has a serious alcohol problem. Nobody likes when he's wasted, but he gets drunk all the time anyways. He's told me some real fucked up stories about times he's been drunk. I'm glad I never had to see him like that when I was younger. After he went to jail last year, he told me he would quit drinking because he knows it's no good for him. He just got out of jail in November, and he drinks like a fish. He drunk calls me almost every weekend. I always make sure to answer because I'd rather deal with his annoying drunk ass on the phone because I know he's at least kind of staying out of trouble if he's on the phone talking to me.
He's been really good about not doing drugs since he got out of jail, though. But, the Friday before my spring break he drunk called me and told me he not only smoked a bowl, but did heroin. He couldn't remember doing the drugs though because he was so wasted. His friends told him the next day. How he passed his drug test for his probation officer is way beyond me. I told him it was fucked up for him to do drugs and he said "I can do all the heroin I want because it's out of my system in two days, it's weed I can't do". This is honestly my brother's thought process, and it's so fucked up. I sobbed and yelled at him. The next day, he couldn't remember that he had this conversation with me the night before.
He's just such a mess. I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to save him. He's such a stubborn and strong willed person, and I wish he would use that in a more constructive way. All my family ever talks about in regards to him is that he's going to go back to jail--and probably soon. (yeah the rest of my family is pretty fucked up too, but we don't have to get into that). I guess I just want to know where the big brother that I looked up to so much went. He used to be my hero. and slowly but surely that has gone away, and I hate it. I hate thinking of him differently. Even through all the shit he put me through when we were younger, I always looked up to him so much--who knows why. Now, I just see this guy who is so down on himself and doesn't know what to do so he drinks the pain away. He has taken on the assumption that he will go back to jail soon, so why not go down with a bang. I guess, at the very least, he's consistent.
But, of course, the shit that I'm concerned with always comes back to my family. I feel like that's most people's issue--stupid family. Gotta love them I guess.
Okay, so I have a big brother, right? He's five years older than me and he's 1,000% my absolute best friend. I literally tell my brother everything. That night I got wasted and had to be taken care of? He knows. That night abroad when I hooked up with a random guy I had just met? Not only does he know, but I showed him pictures of the guy because he's so handsome. Having a fight with my parents about how stupid my brother is? Yeah, I call him about those things, too. I'm pretty much an open book with everything, so poor him for having to deal with all the things I'm sure he could care less to hear about.
The thing with my brother though, is he has a really really addictive personality. I mean like to all sorts of bad things. Started smoking cigarettes when he was like 11 or something like that. Weed when he was 14. He got expelled from high school for smoking weed on school grounds. He's always been a mess and I've always felt like the older sibling. Also, the legal system has been a part of my life since my brother was 14 years old (I think that's when it started anyways), and I was 9. That's when my brother got arrested for smoking weed. He's been on probation (for different things) consistently since he was 14 years old. He's 25 now. I can't remember a time my brother was off of probation, and I can't imagine how he lives like that. The summer before I came to college, he was supposed to be off of probation in October--just in time for his birthday. We were gonna throw him a keg party we were so excited. Just kidding, he got into a drunk driving accident and got arrested for that. We ended up proving that he wasn't the one driving (he was so drunk he didn't even know), but he ended up doing jail time for it anyways. My brother spent his 21st birthday in rehab, and his 25th birthday in jail. He's a mess to say the least.
He has a serious alcohol problem. Nobody likes when he's wasted, but he gets drunk all the time anyways. He's told me some real fucked up stories about times he's been drunk. I'm glad I never had to see him like that when I was younger. After he went to jail last year, he told me he would quit drinking because he knows it's no good for him. He just got out of jail in November, and he drinks like a fish. He drunk calls me almost every weekend. I always make sure to answer because I'd rather deal with his annoying drunk ass on the phone because I know he's at least kind of staying out of trouble if he's on the phone talking to me.
He's been really good about not doing drugs since he got out of jail, though. But, the Friday before my spring break he drunk called me and told me he not only smoked a bowl, but did heroin. He couldn't remember doing the drugs though because he was so wasted. His friends told him the next day. How he passed his drug test for his probation officer is way beyond me. I told him it was fucked up for him to do drugs and he said "I can do all the heroin I want because it's out of my system in two days, it's weed I can't do". This is honestly my brother's thought process, and it's so fucked up. I sobbed and yelled at him. The next day, he couldn't remember that he had this conversation with me the night before.
He's just such a mess. I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to save him. He's such a stubborn and strong willed person, and I wish he would use that in a more constructive way. All my family ever talks about in regards to him is that he's going to go back to jail--and probably soon. (yeah the rest of my family is pretty fucked up too, but we don't have to get into that). I guess I just want to know where the big brother that I looked up to so much went. He used to be my hero. and slowly but surely that has gone away, and I hate it. I hate thinking of him differently. Even through all the shit he put me through when we were younger, I always looked up to him so much--who knows why. Now, I just see this guy who is so down on himself and doesn't know what to do so he drinks the pain away. He has taken on the assumption that he will go back to jail soon, so why not go down with a bang. I guess, at the very least, he's consistent.
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